I do not know what I just watched. All I can say this is a POS movie. Too long!

engrave the oscar for Rose Byrne NOW!!! i felt every stressful moment that Linda was feeling— she really is better than me because after the first stressful moment i would have ran into the waves.  
Also, didn’t know Conan could be the world’s worst therapist, he killed it! i appreciated not showing the daughter throughout the film because it really added to the effect of her as an obligation and heightened the stress of motherhood for me. safe to say not having kids anytime soon

Wow. What a miserable viewing experience. Incredible performance from Rose Byrne. This whole film is just an amalgamation of stressful feelings. It got so bad at one point that I almost wanted to mute the TV. It's powerful and effective. By the time it was over, my jaw hurt from clenching it so much. Great hamster scene.

_If I Had Legs I’d Kick You_ feels like Darren Aronofsky, the Safdie brothers, and the movie _Shiva Baby_ all got tossed into a blender and someone forgot to put the lid on. It’s the same brand of claustrophobic stress-cinema, but this time the pressure cooker is motherhood. The film threads sharp commentary through its panic attacks, mostly about the slow psychic erosion of not feeling understood. That idea hits hardest in the therapy sessions with Conan, playing Rose Byrne’s therapist: a well-meaning human paperweight who listens with all the insight of a damp sponge. Those scenes hurt in a distinctly recognizable way, even for a viewer who'll never know what the experience of motherhood really is like. But for all its bite, some of the filmmaking choices can feel baffling. Keeping the child entirely offscreen turns into a stylistic kink that never gets justified. The constant tight close-ups aren’t much more convincing; they flatten the visual energy and box the film in. They do provide a fantastic showcase for Rose Byrne though; her mix of wide-eyed exasperation, raw vulnerability, and the occasional deadpan hit makes her perfect for this role. But it's a shame we don’t get more breathing room on occassion, because when the lighting and environments actually appear, they look great. Where the movie truly spikes is in its freakout sequences. The baby in the office scene is a masterclass in escalating panic, and several moments hit that exquisite Aronofsky-meets-Safdies dread. Other times, the film’s dark humor tips into unintentional farce—yes, I’m talking about the hamster scene—which undercuts the otherwise razor-sharp tension. Still, even with its odd creative detours, _If I Had Legs I’d Kick You_ is a jagged, jittery, deeply felt ride. It leaves you stressed, amused, and maybe slightly destabilized, which is the best kind of compliment for a movie like this. 7/10

This is one metaphor filled chaotic ride. Watch it with a friend so you can deconstruct it after watching it.