_"What does everybody want? What does everybody need? What does everybody love?"_ The famous opening line of "Al Snow and Head" and the place goes nuts... Thus, the opening of WWF's _Capital Carnage_ pay-per-view streaming out of London, UK. And the opening match features Al Snow vs Gangrel, an entry-level match that...well, it showed WHY it was an entry-level match. Both characters are entertaining, but the match was full of awkward, botched moves. Even "good ol' JR" Jim Ross had a difficult time making this one seem interesting. Next up, the LOD 2000 - which by this point in wrestling history has become practically a laughingstock of what the original "Road Warriors" were - featuring "Animal" and "Droz" vs The Headbangers. Hard to get behind either of these tag teams. Ending was interesting, though. Next up, yet _another_ match featuring "Golddust" (Dustin Runnels) vs Val Venis. Yawn. This was interesting **maybe** the first 30 matches but the intrigue and entertainment value has worn way off. Following this was a diatribe by "The Corporation" - Pat Patterson, Jerry Brisco, Shane McMahon, Vince McMahon - insulting Great Britain, making changes to the card, etc. Generally a lot of hot air that amounted to a waste of time. Next, a match between "Tiger Ali Singh" vs "Edge". Although he would go on to become one of the WWF's biggest stars, "Edge" was still fairly new at this point and hadn't yet fully developed the "Edge" character. He faces off against another newcomer in Tiger Ali Singh. A basic mid-card match with little substance. Now we have an in-ring interview with British superstar Vinnie Jones but - as much as I like Vinnie Jones on the silver screen - he just seemed out-of-place in a WWF ring. Now we have yet _another_ "mixed-tag" match between Sable and newcomer "Christian" (who, at this early point in his WWF career looks like an Edge wanna-be) vs Marc Mero and Jacquelyn; to make it interesting, Mero and Jacquelyn have had a recent spat and are going at each other instead of wanting to tag-team. A tiny bit of a side-story in an attempt to make a dull and uninteresting story somewhat more interesting. It doesn't work. Fortunately, this one didn't last too terribly long. Following this, a match between Ken Shamrock vs Steve Blackman for the IC title. You've heard of _"The indestructible force meets the immovable object"_ ? This was more like _"The stiff and awkward meets the dull and plodding"_ . Again, they tried to throw in an interesting twist by having "Big Boss Man" (Ray Traylor) accompany Shamrock to the ring - for whatever reason - but it did nothing to make a boring match any more interesting. These two are great physical specimens but so was "The Ultimate Warrior" and even Hulk Hogan...and neither of them could make a match interesting. The fans are starting to get bored with this one as you can hear the "boo birds" starting to call and people won't get behind either character. I know they're trying to build a different angle on the story; good luck trying to make something happen here. This was as dull as watching paint dry. Following this was a short interview with "The Rock" (Dwayne Johnson) and this may very well be the highlight of the entire card. It (the highlight of the card) certainly wouldn't be what followed this: a match between Jeff Jarrett vs Triple H (Hunter Hearst Helmsley). For one thing, I would root for almost anyone against Jeff Jarrett...but Helmsley falls outside of that very broad "almost anyone" category. Helmsley is a fantastic entertainer - give the guy credit: he knows how to evoke an emotional buy-in - but I hate the direction the WWF is taking in allowing so much outside interference...and you know that's going to happen when that newly-plasticized-with-a-chin-job bull dyke Chyna (Joan Laurer) is ringside. Sure enough, she has to have her 45 minutes of fame (15 isn't good enough for her ego) so she has to involve herself...as per usual. What should have been at least a "good" (if not great) match between two great performers turned into the usual interference-fest that completely cheapened everything. Oh, and Joan Laurer, I know you're dead and will probably never read this, but please put some clothes on; you are a nightmare to have to look at when you're fully clothed. Taking stuff off and showing yourself is enough to make anybody - male OR female - lose their lunch. You are NOT a "Sable" or "Jacquelyn" nor any other kind of "diva"; you're a freakshow and nobody wants to look at you. Next was yet another (very brief!) interview with "Stone Cold" Steve Austin, and this one gave "The Rock" a run for his money. Now we have an idiotic vignette with D'Lo Brown running around playing like he's a real WWF wrestler instead of a wanna-be. Next on the card, a tag-team match between "The New Age Outlaws" vs D'Lo Brown and Mark Henry. Yet another very tired tag-team match simply because there's no longer any depth whatsoever to the tag-team roster in the WWF. When you go back to the WWF of the 1980's, it's hard to fathom why the WWF has essentially let the tag-team picture go the way of the dinosaur. If there's a tag-team match on ANY pay-per-view card, it's going to feature two of only four tag teams. Tired, indeed. (I can recall when you really didn't have any idea whether a title was going to change hands in a match or not.) Now another backstory leading up to the "Championship" match between "The Rock" (Dwayne Johnson) vs that useless little wanna-be Sean Waltman. Even as a supposed "heel" (bad guy) you have to love Johnson's character; he just has that in-ring presence and character that makes you love watching him. Unfortunately, this match was also ruined by the WWF's "order of the day" - outside interference. Why Jim Ross seems to be so infatuated with Waltman's character is beyond me; Waltman is a dinksquat turd pretending to be a professional athlete. The match - Waltman notwithstanding - could have been a decent match, but of course you have to have the interference by "De-Generation X", since that's what the WWF is hinging its current status on. (Too bad the WWF has become so much like their rival, the former Jim Crockett Promotions/NWA.) The "main event" - a "fatal four-way" for the championship - starts off with a skit almost as cartoonish as the WWF's 1980's era. It was atrocious. I mean, it wasn't just that Vinnie Jones seemed awkward in a WWF ring but the whole thing was just weirdly stupid. I know this was in London and the WWF wanted to do something to really get the crowd worked up, and they _could have_ done something with Vinnie Jones but this particular skit... it was just flat-out STUPID. The four-way match was, I suppose, as interesting as a "four-way" match can be (there are usually too many "moving parts", so to speak) but they actually made it even LESS appealing by being so blatantly opposed to "Stone Cold" Steve Austin. And while I openly admit to being a fan of Austin, it's not that they were opposed to his character; it was how awkwardly open and even "exaggerated" they were with it. I go back to my commentary on some of the earliest WWF pay-per-views, when you had the commentary tandem of Gorilla Monsoon and Jesse Ventura. Being a "heel" in his wrestling prime, it was only natural that Ventura would "root" for the heel in those matches...but he made it so natural, so "flowing" - like it was just a part of who he was - and it never felt forced, staged, or embellished. There's been no one since (sorry, Bobby Heenan, but you weren't good at it either) who made cheering against the "babyface" seem so natural...and so fun. Here, the constant cries of _"Get Stone Cold! Hurt him! What are you doing? Go get Austin!"_ over and over by McMahon and Lawler (who was playing the part of a corporate suck-up, of course) ...well, it did nothing but come across as very juvenile AND make the match even less captivating than it was. All that notwithstanding, the match, even though it wasn't the easiest to follow (because of all the different things going on) was certainly worth watching...if for no other reason, then certainly for the "post-match" action, after the final pinfall. (No spoilers here; you just need to watch the match for yourself.) It was absolutely brilliant and hilarious and undoubtedly _"a great time was had by all"_ .