Twiggy finds a replacement for the missing Harold Stringer, Greg Kettle acquires a government list of all known AIDS carriers and Spam signs up God as an advice columnist through Sergeant-Major Ken Lutterworth.

Spam sets up Lipton for a serious assault when he imprisons an overweight woman and wires her jaw shut while he and Kettle pursue a sex scandal at an innocent pre-school. Maggie Troon follows up a lead about a mass murder involving the family of a High Court judge.

Lipton tries to vet every story as Spam begins publishing 24 hours a day, Kettle competes with the Daily Star to save a Nicarauguan horse from the glue factory, and Maggie Troon discovers another murder as she continues to investigate the judge and his family.

Bright young hope Maggie Troon may yet achieve some real investigative journalism for the Daily Crucible, increasing Richard Lipton's hopes of cleaning up the paper.

Lipton begins to lose his grip on reality as the buxom beauties of page three go on strike, Twiggy opens ""Rat World"", Kettle infiltrates EastEnders, and Maggie Troon discovers odd evidence of an alien presence at the mass murder site.

Maggie continues to dig into the Hitchcock murders amid rumors of UFOs while Spam and Lipton try different ways of spiking a critical government report on newspaper standards and practices.

Twiggy threatens to demolish an 11th century church and replace it with the new tower block. Harry defends a Crucible story about cat food. (Comic Relief special)